


Remember Who I Was

by aptasi



Category: Wheel of Time - Robert Jordan
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Angst, Bisexual Female Character, Cuddling & Snuggling, F/F, F/M, Fate, Femslash, Groping, Healing, Hurt/Comfort, Kissing, Memories, Mentions of Casual Sex, Missing Scene, Nostalgia, Unhealthy Weight Loss, ending, mentions of warder sex, pillowfriends, slight polyamory, speculation about future
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-06
Updated: 2020-08-06
Packaged: 2021-03-06 00:22:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,817
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25744273
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aptasi/pseuds/aptasi
Summary: Moiraine and Siuan spend a night together in Fal Dara, one last time.
Relationships: Moiraine Damodred/Siuan Sanche, Moiraine Damodred/Thom Merrilin, siuan sanche/Alric
Comments: 6
Kudos: 13





	Remember Who I Was

**Author's Note:**

> Readers with histories involving food or body disorders and/or torture should be aware that this fic contains blunt discussion of Moiraine's body and the effects on it of her fight with Aginor. Know yourself. Read responsibly.

"Oh good." The Amyrlin seat muttered. "You're back. Maybe you want to tell me now Alric what has your insides flopping around like a landed... "

Her Warder stepped to the side and twirled his cloak like a gleeman, making a small woman appear like a magic trick.

"Moiraine!" Siuan exclaimed. "How did..." She supposed she had been able to feel Moiraine's ability but with all the other Aes Sedai nearby and without concentrating she never would have consciously noticed. 

"There are some advantages to short stature." The blue-clad Aes Sedai remarked wryly. "Thank you Alric." 

"You're welcome." The Warder said, pointing his inflection towards his bondholder. "You ladies have a good time. I'll return, say, two hours before dawn?" 

Siuan's stomach knotted. "Would you like that Moiraine?" She didn't know why she was so nervous. For years of their lives Moiraine had almost never slept alone in her own bed. It hurt to think about how long ago that was. Decades more had passed of Moiraine not even having a bed while Siuan slept on silks she could not share. 

"That would work nicely, I think." Moiraine answered in that composed chiming voice she spoke with now, without most of the mischief she used to have. 

When her Warder was out of earshot, Siuan let herself exhale. "What storm do you sense at our wake, bad enough for you to risk meeting me, Moiraine?"

Moiraine arched an eyebrow. "Alric sought me out. He said you needed to see me."

"Oh..." Siuan blushed. "Oh! And you..."

"I thought that sounded worth some risk." Moiraine said carefully "If you needed my presence."

"That man meddles." Siuan muttered.

"The Gaidin do that." Moiraine smirked. "My Lan has been debriefing with your Alric more than I get to talk to you."

Siuan blushed. 

Moiraine hesitated. 

"I..." Siuan took a deep breath. "The last time we got a full night together, I wasn't Amyrlin yet." More than ten years ago. Light. Her eyes tightened. 

"Oh Siuan..." Moiraine stepped forward. "Do not do that." Her tiny hands brushed at the tears. "You will start me crying too."

They had talked about such things, long ago when they had time to talk about many things. They had both agreed that the honorable thing when there was an imbalance of power... a sister with her Warder, a sitter with a sister... an initiate with a man... Siuan's eyes spilled over. "Amyrlin." 

"Ah..." Moiraine whispered and drew Siuan into a hug. "You would not be taking advantage she said into her shoulder. I have always respected the woman in the office more than the office itself."

"You were supposed to..."

"Be the first to ask? You have rank; I have the initiative?" Moiraine whispered, and then suddenly those soft gentle lips were pressing against hers. "I said it was worth some risk. Ask the Gaidin for what little else I take risks."

Siuan felt herself shiver as she pulled Moiraine closer. The small woman's body felt like she hadn't aged a day, yet like she was a thousand years old. "I don't have to ask the Gaidin. I know you hardly do anything for yourself anymore." The Amyrlin whispered. "Even when it's no risk at all." 

Then in moments, she had Moiraine pushed against a tapestry, tangling hands in her beautiful hair, while the smaller woman gripped onto her like a hanging vine. It was like being novices again, holding each other tight until their arms shook with the effort, going into the touch to protect each other from being lonely, and continuing on until someone, usually Siuan, got handsy about it. 

It was Siuan this time too. Moiraine sighed into her mouth as the Amyrlin kneaded her shoulders, side, and chest. All that gorgeous flesh... and bone. 

Siuan shuddered and pulled back.

"What is wrong?" Moiraine asked. Her face looked slightly concerned, but was otherwise serene. Every time Siuan saw Moiraine she got more damaged and more serene. 

"You're emaciated."

Moiraine shrugged. "I have traveled a great deal"

"There's muscles and then there's skinnier than a flatfish." Siuan corrected. "You got athletic years ago. This is something else."

"A flatfish... " Moiraine echoed tonelessly. "You do not want to be with a body that looks like this." Her face never cracked. There was a time Moiraine would never have tried to be bloody serene with her. But Moiraine had been flaming serene with her for half the last meeting and apparently thought to try it even now with Siuan's hands touching her.

"It's not about attraction Moiraine." Siuan said quickly. As long as Siuan had been with her, Moiraine had harbored a fear that her body would be too childlike for anyone, or as the oaths had corrected it too childlike for anyone but a few sick men. But Moiraine, with her scars and visible ribs, did not look like a child. She looked like a small very fierce prisoner of war. And Siuan, even during the many parts of her life when she thought she wanted nothing more than a man, had always seen Moiraine as beautiful. 

Moiraine looked back at Siuan steadily and neither managed to agree nor contradict. 

"But when I see someone who looks like bones picked clean, I wonder..." she swallowed "I wonder which silverfish stripped her flesh." This time she did start crying. "I wonder if it hurt her much as it happened."

Moiraine gently caressed Siuan's shoulder, her affect contrasting with her sternness earlier when she had tried to put some spine back into her Amyrlin. That was necessary. This was tender. "I was going to save this for after our comfort, Siuan, but at the Eye I went one-to-one with Aginor. I did very well slowing him down, but once he got through he went at me." 

Siuan gasped, her throat clenching with bile like flatfish gall. While she was still sputtering like a drowning rat, Moiraine gently drew Siuan's hands to her temples, inviting her to perceive. 

Siuan raked the delving wave down the slight woman's body, as gently as she could, though finesse had never been her forte. "Fish guts and bloody ashes." Even partially healed the amount of internal damage made her want to sick up. No wonder Moiraine had not flinched to hear the Reds wanted custody of her. Not even the Reds would do this. 

"It did hurt" Moiraine quietly. "Very much. It still does."

"And those guppies saw all that happen to you? How did they not all panic?"

"They were running at the time, so more heard than saw" Moiraine said wryly. "I played it off as mostly exhaustion. I think the only one who grasped most of it, other than Lan, was the wisdom. The healer at this keep knew she was out of her depth but not how much. The young ones I said some truthful things about my tiredness to, such that they might assume I was just depleted. Then I told them my pride was hurt worse."

Siuan gaped at her. The first oath let her say that!

"Well it is." Moiraine commented. "I hate that they heard me scream."

"So you're tougher than that, now." Siuan folded her arms. 

Moiraine crossed her own arms, in mirrored gesture. "It will go to their respect."

"Moiraine, he cleaned you like a flaming fish." Siuan snapped. 

The smaller woman laughed. "Finally, a nautical metaphor from you that is close to literally accurate."

Siuan felt her eyes bug and she again wanted to sick up. 

"I have been able to eat very little since." Moiraine said cooly. 

"You lost all this weight since the Eye?"

Moiraine sighed. "No. I have lacked sufficient appetite generally since I found those villagers. If Lan pushes one more stale biscuit at me.." she shrugged.

"You'll what?" Siuan demanded 

"Eat a few bites, I suppose" Moiraine shrugged. "I do not have the luxury of frustration."

"How is Lan taking all this?"

"Not well. He never was good at resigning himself to feeling pain from me. And... well you will see soon enough."

Siaun shifted and frowned. "Do you intend to starve yourself to death?"

Moiraine looked up at her and while the serenity was still there it softened. "I thought perhaps my friend might try to heal me."

"You want me to..."

"I let them think I am better than I am, and I have been hiding myself out of the way to rest, but I am still not well. And I..." Moiraine's tone constricted. "I hurt rather badly. I know I have burns inside me. Please, Siuan."

Siuan knew Moiraine did not beg. She had not been raised to feel comfortable even saying courtesy words. "Shouldn't you ask someone who knows what they're doing. Leanne or…

"I do not want them to realize what kind of force made the injury." Moiraine insisted. "We will need enough help to heal Mat of his connection to the dagger, and there is no help for it. I might be one favor too many to avoid that sort of connection. If you will not, I will just bear it until events..."

"Fish guts, Moiraine, don't be a fool. Of course, I'll heal you."

"Thank you." Moiraine said steadily. 

"Lie down on the bed." Siuan ordered. 

Moiraine chuckled under her breath, possibly remembering some other time Siuan gave that order, for some other, less heartbreaking, reason.

Siuan knelt next to her and leaned over. "Here we go..."

Siuan had never been quite good enough at this to keep a patient lying still, and Moiraine shivered and lightly convulsed against the mattress in a way that reminded Siuan of things that were much more pleasant and long past. 

"Light, help me..." Moiraine whispered as the weave lifted off her. Siuan did not know if she was praying for the pain in her keelhauled body or for this bottomless ship of a situation. Or if she was praying at all. Moiraine had been mostly performatively devout before. Despite her apparently endless confidence in prophecy and the creator she didn't seem to think of either of them as on her side. 

Siuan rose tiredly, and looked down at her semiconscious friend. Slowly, leadenly, she tucked Moiraine fully dressed into her bed. 

The keisara slid to the side of Moiraine's face as she held her arms out to Siuan. 

The Amyrlin smiled, extinguished most of the light, and got into the bed too, and pulled Moiraine to her, like in simpler times. She stroked her hair gently. 

"I hope I don't have to tell that Lan of yours to make sure you eat."

Tired though she was, Moiraine did not show any signs of falling asleep. "He will have felt the healing."

Siuan frowned. "You didn't mask the bond yet?"

"I need to keep aware of him. " Moiraine announced aloofly. 

Siuan blanched. "You don't trust your Warder, Moiraine? He better be taking good care of you."

"I trust him with my life." Moiraine said. "And with most of my secrets."

They held hands and stared up into the darkened room. 

"I let Alric touch me sometimes." Siuan admitted, as her stomach clenched. She didn't want to lie to Moiraine, but this was probably a hurtful revelation. 

"You bed your Warder?" Moiraine asked, voice unruffled. 

"Sometimes, when he really wants to. Only if he asks me to, Moiraine. I'm not a monster."

"Of course you're not." Moiraine stayed silent and serene for a moment. "Is he any good?" She asked, royal accent not even dented by years sleeping outside. 

"He's" Siuan's throat itched. Bloody oath. "Better than alone."

Moiraine nodded. "I did not think you liked him that way." 

"Every other man would sooner put it in a school of silverpike than the Amyrlin seat." Siuan said. "And the only woman I care about..." The first oath choked Siuan, which scared her. Not because there were any other women. There had never been. Because she had been about to say that she and Moiraine could be together after the Last Battle. She obviously did not believe that anymore. "I get lonely."

"I understand," Moiraine said. "I am a bit jealous."

"I didn't mean to hurt you by..."

"Jealous that you have someone who cares about you to bed." Moiraine said. "I feel like I have the art of drinking just enough to stoke my nerve, but not so much that I feel I should call my partner up before a magistrate, down to a recipe."

That felt intensely tragic to Siuan. "You hate being drunk." 

Moiraine shrugged. "I also hate being alone."

"Burn propriety, Lan should..."

"Lan is in love with someone else." Moiraine interjected harshly.

Siuan swallowed. "He still should not make you feel alone."

Moiraine seemed to consider that information."Does your Alric know about me?" 

"Yes" Suian answered. "He says Greens take more than one person as lover often, especially where Warders are involved, and the Amyrlin is of all Ajahs anyway"

"Ah."

"And he thinks you're good for me. This tryst, that was all Alric's idea.

Moiraine chuckled

"He does care for me in the way of a Warder. Just because I let him do things sometimes, doesn't mean I've married the man."

"Ah." Since we are on the topic of Greens... I received a foretelling that..." Moiraine winced. 

"What is it, Moiraine." What if it was a prophecy of Moiraine's death. How could Siuan bear to see that coming even more than she already did?

"I am going to marry a man." Moiraine said. 

Siuan coughed. "Any particular man?"

"Yes." Moiriane blushed. "You have not met him, but I have."

They absorbed that for a moment. "Not one of those boys."

"No."

Siuan sighed in relief. 

"Do you recall the bard who made all that trouble for Elaida?" 

"Him? But he's sixty something."

Moiraine shrugged. "The wheel weaves as the wheel wills."

"Do you like him?"

"It..." Moiraine considered. "Should not take strong liquor to make the marriage legal. Perhaps a glass of wine."

Siuan raised her eyebrows. 

"The man is a Daes Dae'mar opponent and a very skilled one. I do not even know myself if I am intended to like him or just marry him."

Siuan frowned. 

"I would have vastly preferred the reading just show me in a carnal embrace with him. That might be enjoyable. But marriage... I cannot see how I am ever going to trust that man."

"You could take him as a Warder too."

"I am a Blue!"

"And apparently getting married."

"Every time I have that girl read me" Moiraine said "I pray she will see something about you." 

"She reads the future not the past." Siuan said 

Moiraine blinked hard but her face stayed steady.

"Burn me we really are acting like novices. Speculating on men we want to bed the whole time." Siuan commented, a little desperately. 

Moiraine nodded, silent. 

"Though if we were we'd be talking about their bodies more." Siuan added recklessly. 

Moiraine did laugh then. "You first. You've seen your man. More than that." She added in a whisper, mocking the novice cadence of their whispered suggestions. 

"He's" Siuan gestured with her hands and blushed. 

"Do you think it has been so long that forget you are from a fishing family?" Moiraine teased. 

"Comfortable. The whole thing is very comfortable. But what about yours?"

"I have not seen him!" Moiraine retorted scandalized.

"I remember when that business happened with Elaida everyone was thinking that he must be hung to get a queen of Andor to…"

"Oh light, Siuan, stop…."

"No need to worry. I'm sure he knows how to use it" Siuan said. "Why if Morgase…"

"Enough about Morgase, Siuan." Moiraine said firmly.

Siuan flinched. "I'm just trying to…"

"I know."

"When you marry that bard," Siuan said. "You tell him if he hurts you I will cut anything offending right off him and throw it into a school of silverpike. And I won't need a shred of power to do it."

"You may tell Aldric the same thing. As well as any other person you like enough to speak of the act like you're doing more than humoring them."

Siuan nodded. It felt like the tide was going out and never coming back in. 

"Siuan" Moiraine whispered. "Might we pretend we are novices again. One more time? Please." Moiraine Damodred never begged. 

"Novices..." Siuan whispered "well we did just spend half the night talking about men" and then rolled Moiraine under her. "There, now that's the other half."

Moiraine smiled "It is a start."

A cold wind whistled around the keep, chilling the halls and the courtyard. It shifted the tapestry on the wall as two women, both hurt, frightened, and traumatized, but not yet even bearing half of what each would have to bear, took comfort in each others' bodies for the last time. The wind wasn't the ending. But it was an ending. 


End file.
